You Have Breached My Personal Space, Prepare To Die
by A Dwimor
Summary: Being the only normal male teacher under fifty on staff at Hogwarts can be a bit harrowing.


**I do not own Harry Potter.**

Severus Snape's black robes billowed behind him like the wings of the angel of death as he stormed down the corridor. Students scattered out of his path, desperate to avoid his notice.

Soon, his third year teaching at Hogwarts would be over, the little dunderheads would go home, and he would finally have time for his personal experiments and research. Summer couldn't arrive fast enough.

So wrapped up in his musings was he that he didn't notice the student in his way until he tripped over her. "What the hell. . ." he grumbled, stumbling awkwardly. He whirled, glaring at the semi-sentient roadblock, a sixth or seventh year Hufflepuff female, sitting on the floor in front of one of the massive windows.

"Professor!" exclaimed the girl, her brown eyes wide.

"Thirty points from Hufflepuff for an attempt on my life!" Severus snapped.

The girl stood up, twirling her blond hair, and stepped closer. "I'm so sorry, Professor, I didn't mean to trip you. . .are you alright?" She puckered her rouged lips in what Severus mentally referred to as the duck face. He scowled.

"Yes yes! I'm fine! Go find somewhere else to sit and vegetate! This is a busy corridor!" Snape snapped.

"Oh professor, let me make it up to you. . ." The girl stepped even closer, infringing on Severus' jealously guarded personal space. He stepped backwards. "I'm not giving back the points." he growled.

"Oh no. . .I don't care about the points. . ." The girl leapt forward and kissed him full on the lips. Severus' eyes were wide enough to fall out of his head as he shoved her away and began manically spitting onto the stone floor and scrubbing at his mouth in disgust.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!" He screeched.

"I don't know if you've noticed professor, but you're the only normal human male under fifty on regular staff, and you know.. " the girl swanned forward again, fluttering her eyelashes,

". . .you're actually quite compelling in a dangerous, vampiric sort of way. . ."

"What the f -. . . I'm a teacher!" Severus started walking backwards, quickly, "fifty points from Hufflepuff you rabid little psychopath! I'm at least. . . six years older than you!"

"That's not that much. And anyway, I like older men." she answered, and continued to walk towards him as he continued moving backwards, "what is a few years, when you're in love?"

Severus choked, spun on his heel, and fled.

"Wait! Sevvie! I loooove you!" The girl exclaimed, waving her arms around her head as she ran after him.

...

Minerva McGonagall was having a nice chat with Augusta Longbottom as they walked down the venerable halls of Hogwarts, discrete flasks of firewhisky in their hands. She was in a lovely, calm mood. It was good to catch up with her old school friend.

To say the Head of Gryffindor was startled when the young Head of Slytherin came scrabbling 'round the corner at speed would have been an understatement of epic proportions.

"Oh my god, Minerva! You have to help me!" Severus ran up to his colleague, gasping for breath. "They've gone _**rabid**_. You have to help me!"

"Professor Snape! Calm down!" ordered Augusta, ever the stolid dowager.

"Calm down! Calm. . .down!" Severus laughed maniacally.

"What is wrong Severus?!" McGonagall demanded, disturbed at the hysteria displayed by her normally stoic fellow professor.

"They've gone mad," he threw his arm out, "MAD!"

"Who? Who has gone mad, Severus? Has the headmaster been wearing those robes with the exploding unicorns on them again?" Minerva demanded.

"Almost as bad! It's a mob of teenage girls. . . chasing me!"

The two older women chuckled.

"Really Severus, I'm sure it's not that bad, just tell her to back off and if she doesn't, tell her parents." Minerva advised. "You need to deal with this yourself, I can't help you. She has to hear it from you to stop her advances."

"No, you don't understand -"

They whipped their heads around at a loud sound, to see a literal _horde_ of the fabled rabid teenage females rounding the corner, shouts of "Sevvie I love you!" and, "just one kiss, Sevvie!" ringing out from the gaggle.

"Oh. My. God." Minerva mumbled, Augusta's face was slack in shock, and Severus let out a pitiful agonized groan. "They've multiplied." he whined.

"Severus!" Minerva hissed urgently, ever the opportunist, "promise to give Gryffindor ten points every potions class and I'll help you stop them!"

"No!" He snapped, and took off down the hallway.

"Then all I can say, my friend, is. . . RUN SEVERUS, RUN!" Minerva screamed after him, an expansive grin on her face. Both Minerva and Augusta toasted him with their flasks, as the herd of girls passed them by.

"I'll get you for this, Minerva!" he screamed down the hallway.

The venerable old witches threw their heads back and cackled.

...

"Severus my boy, would you mind returning to ground level and explaining to me why all house points are in the negative except Slytherin's?" Albus Dumbledore asked mildly, eyeing the potions professor, who was levitating in the furthest corner of the great hall, a large shield still enveloping him, despite the gaggle of hormonal terrors having already been dispersed. Now he was surrounded by all the staff, the ghosts, Augusta, and Mrs. Norris.

"No." Severus snapped, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Aw come now, Sev'rus, 'tweren't that bad." Hagrid said, calmly.

Severus began muttering about hormonal devil-spawn.

"Aw Sevvie, return to terra firma for us." Minerva coaxed, a smirk on her face.

Snape sneered at her. "No."

"Please." Albus said.

"No!"

"The winds are in the east, and mars is in the west, let me read your palm - " Trelawny began, only to be cut off by Minerva and Severus shouting at her in unison.

The cacophony ended and Minerva turned back to Severus. "If you get down, I'll share a bit of the bottle of rather fantastic firewhisky I just received."

Severus looked thoughtful. "Split the bottle half and half," he bargained.

"I swear it." Minerva replied.

"Fine." Severus removed his shield, but kept his arms crossed as he flew to the floor, touching down gracefully, a grouchy look still on his face.

Flitwick, ever the charms master, started bouncing on his toes excitedly. "You flew! That wasn't levitation! You FLEW! What is the incantation?! What is it?! Wizards have been attempting to fly for centuries! Who! How - "

"Bugger off," Severus growled, as he stalked forward and ripped Minerva's flask from her hand.


End file.
